Every once in a while there is one that I think misses the mark. Today, someone wrote in and said "I was recently diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and have been dutifully if miserably going through treatment. The prognosis? Who knows. The whole "every day is a gift" thing has somewhat cruelly -- and somewhat wonderfully -- become a daily, waking thought.
How do I get the people in my life to confess out loud that this could, and in all likelihood will, kill me? Everyone around me is insistent on being optimistic and denying the truth that this disease kills people every day, and I could be one of them. I try to talk to them about what will happen to my things, and what their plans are when and if I die of this, just as if I were hit by a bus, but they stick their heads in the sand and refuse to have the conversation with me.
Carolyn, I could die from this. I will die someday. These are both factual statements. So why will no one discuss it with me? V. "
Carolyn responded talking about how people can be cowards and that V. should say things like, "
"I will need someone to distribute my things. Will you please help me?"And when you get the oh-it-won't-come-to-that answer: "Yes, it will, and you will die someday, too, and I feel better talking about it than avoiding it. Will you please help me?"
And when heads start hitting the sand: "Can you explain why you won't help me?"
Using Outcome Thinking, let's look at what is at the core here. The fact that someone near you may die is a scary issue. Accepting it means accepting our own mortality and that is even scarier. Ignoring it , not planning for it, makes us feel as though we can hold it off. Bottom line is it makes us uncomfortable.
So address that. It doesn't mean your friends are cowards. It doesn't mean you have to hit them over the head with a hammer. It does mean you HAVE to address their fear before they can let it go and help you.
Imagine if V. was your friend, how you would feel if she said, "Hey this is scary. I would rather think that I will live forever but the reality is that I need to plan for the fact that I might not. I really need your love and support in helping me make plans now. Please know that I realize you hope in your heart that these plans won't have to be implemented and I have the same hope. Just helping me with this will give me more of a peace of mind than you realize. If it gets tough, just let me know and we can talk through it. Just please don't ask me to do this alone or to ignore the fact I may die as that will cause more stress than dealing with the option that I might die."
The beauty about candor is that it does not have to be judgmental. In no way do you have to judge another person as weak or a coward if they can't do things the way you would do them. Remember it is your job as the communicator to help others get past what they are trying to protect so they can take action.
Anne Warfield, www.impressionmanagement.com
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