Why Traditional Communication Often Backfires

Outcome Thinking is about the ability to listen, hear and speak in a direct but nonjudgmental way. It means being able to think positively about why people might do what they do.

In reading Ask Amy this weekend I found a great example of how traditional thinking can cause you to think and do things that can cause you big problems down the line.

In today's blog I will just use one of the situations to illustrate the difference between traditional thinking and Outcome Thinking.

Here is the situation: Wondering wrote in that for the second Christmas in a row her late husband's niece and family have sent a card to her addressed on the computerized label to both her late husband (he died in 2006) and her. She states that they don't have a very close relationship, but have maintained contact for over 60 years. She says she felt very bad when no one from the niece's family came to the husband's memorial stating that "geographical distances are not great."

Wondering wants to know how she should handle the problem with the label being addressed to both her and her dead husband.

Here is the traditional thinking response from Ask Amy, as you read it think about how you would feel if you received this,: "you should enclose the outer evenlope from their card- the one containg the address label-and send it to this family, along with a note saying, 'I notice that you haven't updated your address files to allow for Gerald's death. I have to admit, it makes me sad each year to receive a card addressed to the two of us, knowing that he is no longer here to enjoy the holidays with me. I enjoy hearing from you, but I hope you can correct this for next year."

Ouch, as you can see the above statement has a lot of judgment. "I hope you can correct this" implies that you may or may not have the ability and it implies that you knowingly did this. There is also the burden that you have made her sad by sending her a card (meant to be cheery) but that you put on the wrong label. This type of reply, if sent, can lead the recipient to thinking about how they at least sent a card and trying to justify their good intents.

Let's skip all that and believe in the good intents all around. Think about how you would feel if you received this reply instead, "Having lost Gerald in 2006 it does my heart good to be remembered by you at the special times such as Christmas. The holidays are ones that can be the hardest on me so it means a lot to receive a card from you. Since I realize how computerized things are today, I thought you might like to know, so you could remove it for next year, that your address label still has Gerald's name on it as well as mine. I hope all is well with all of you and look forward to our keeping in touch."

Review all of your replies to people and make sure they are clear on the good intent.

Anne Warfield, www.impressionmanagement.com